I’m a Mom Now… But Who Am I?

We talk a lot about the baby’s milestones—the first smile, the first tooth, the first step. But we rarely talk about the mother’s milestones, specifically the massive identity shift known in our field as matrescence. If you feel like you’re grieving your pre-baby self, please know: that isn't a failure of maternal instinct; it’s a biological and psychological transition.

Just as adolescence marks the transition from child to adult, matrescence is the physical, emotional, and social transition into motherhood. Research into the neurobiology of motherhood shows that a woman’s brain undergoes structural remodeling during this time—similar in scale to the changes seen in adolescence. From a Family Systems perspective, your entry into motherhood isn't just an addition to the family; it’s a complete restructuring of the "self" within that system. It is common to look in the mirror and wonder where your old self went, but that version of you isn't lost—she is being integrated into a more complex, resilient version of who you are becoming.

In therapy, we work on this integration. We look at how to weave your old passions, your professional drive, and your need for autonomy into this new season of life. You can be deeply grateful for your child and deeply mournful of your independence at the same time; it’s okay to hold both truths. Finding yourself again often starts with "micro-identities"—finding small rituals that belong only to you, which signal to your brain and your nervous system that your needs still matter.

Reflective Journaling

If you are navigating this shift, take a moment to sit with these prompts:

• The "Before" Snapshot: List three things you loved doing before kids that had nothing to do with being "productive" or "helpful." How can you reintroduce a 5-minute version of one of those things this week?

• Separating the "Do" from the "Be": Complete this sentence five times without using the words Mom, Wife, Therapist, or Manager: "I am a person who..."

• The Matrescence Audit: What is one strength you’ve developed since becoming a mother that the "old you" didn't have? How can you use that strength for yourself, not just for your family?

With love,

Alix Williams, LMFT

With love,

Alix Williams, LMFT